. MISFIT . i sit

[Filter: Our Party]

Well.

That was... easier than I thought. A bit of sweet words, a bit of... leaning a little hard against his arm while we walked, and he makes a big announcement about our next stop at breakfast?

It's a shame he's a backwards, horrible, traditional son of an evil regime that lets things like the plantation here happen. He might be a decent husband otherwise.

... not for me, of course. For someone. I'm

Pack your bags, I suppose~ Leaving tomorrow for the most romantic spot on Riva.

You know... I actually love sailing.

I don't do it very often! I've only been out on the water like this a few times. But every single time, I've just felt... good. The wind. The bobbing of the ship like a cork in a bathtub. We can see the shoreline, but we're far enough away that everything is so tiny. And soon, we won't even see that! Riva is so far...

There's just a -- wildness to it, don't you all think? A freedom, I guess...

My stateroom is lovely, but I'd rather stand out here on the deck. This makes me wish I liked to read! Or could draw. Or do anything, really.

I think...

I think Vince would have really liked this. We never went on a boat together. I never knew if he liked it, or not.

[Filter: Fayre and Julian]

I had a thought.

I -- want to go home. I talked about it with you. Fayre, I mean. Rechesa, that is, even though it's not really home, I just -- sorry. This is getting away from me.

Why don't you come? You're waiting for a pegasus knight from Korin, right? She'll be at least a week, and I bet Rechesa could be gained on dragonback in less than a day. I don't really want to travel, and -- well, I can only imagine you'll get bored?

I really That is to say I really want

[Filter: Vince]

Yes, I know.

You're dead. I'm not crazy. I'm not imagining you can read this, wherever you are. I'm not in denial. I'm not coping strangely. I know that you're dead.

I guess I just... I just never really realized how much I relied on you. To be someone I could talk to. I have so much to say. So much. And nobody at all to say it to. Fayre -- Fayre has everything together. I love her so much. She was there for me as soon as she could be, the morning after you died, but when I share all my weakness with her I just feel like I'm diminishing her. Chris. What does Chris really understand about loss? About this kind of loss. His brothers, sure, but... it wasn't like this. And Julian.

Julian.

Maybe I would talk to Julian. Julian understands the hell out of loss. But it's like there's a wall between he and I. It slowly crawled up ever since the day Tris died, and now, with Fayre back, and be knowing how I feel about him -- especially with you gone. It's so much more complicated than it seems, you know? How would I talk about you, with him? Dragons, I couldn't. It wouldn't matter that he couldn't understand why, I would understand why.

I couldn't bear for him to think I was in love with you. Because I wasn't. I never was, and I never even fooled myself into thinking it, after that night in Rechesa.

But you were something else, something different. Sometimes even something better because it was...

I just keep saying you were my partner. They nod, but even Mydra's agents don't really get it.

No one really gets it.

I killed her. Cut her open. It felt like... like waiting all day for a meal that's coming, only when they serve it, it's cold and badly seasoned and then you go home and have the runs.

You taught me to talk like that. Mother would have a fit.

Mother...

She's doing what she can. But she doesn't really understand, either. I just keep thinking about Daddy. About -- Lester. Maybe I could be closer with him. We're twins! I could never dream of leaving Norey, not with everything happening, but maybe if I did...

There are just so many memories here, you know?

So many fucking memories.



...

I just feel empty inside, you know?

I don't think I should. I think I should be broken and sobbing and -- when life doesn't feel like it has meaning, that should bother you, right? That should kill you. But instead I just feel so tired, Vince. I'm so, so tired. Getting up feels like a chore. Sometimes I cry, but that just feels routine, too.

Maybe you get it. Maybe you felt this too, when your brother tried to have you killed. I bet that was hard. Or maybe you shrugged it off with a grin, like you always did. Maybe this isn't something normal, something that everyone feels sometimes. Maybe I'm actually broken. Snapped right in half.

I miss feelings, I think. But then, maybe I don't. They were so complicated, so frustrating, and I just feel...

Not peaceful. Can death be peaceful? But something else.

That's a question I wish you actually could answer. What death is like. I just... find myself wondering about it, sometimes.

It just --

It just feels like everything I really wanted to live for is gone. The only thing I can still name, something that I really, really want, is Daddy. Everything else is burned or sailed or just faded away and what then?

What do I do now?

[Filter: Pillars in Norey]

I do want to go home. Fayre -- Fayre is right, I can't just sit here forever, ignoring everything. My mother wants to see me. I...

They're not going to come after me in my family manor. There are servants everywhere. Guards. Other staff, I -- I'll be fine.

I'm not so scared, anymore. I met them in the sewers in the pitch black while they had the upper hand and I killed two of them. I'm still alive. Vince is dead, but -- oh, Vince. Vince...

[filter: friends]

tell me it was a nightmare

someone PLEASE tell me it was all a nightmare

Nadya didn't come in today. I guess I have to find a new maid.

I

[Filter: Pillars in Norey]

After what happened yesterday...

I really liked her. I swear, she made it so easy to shut it all out. And all along, she was playing me, playing all of us. I wonder how much she knew. I wonder if she ever felt tempted to just jab the stem of a comb right into my throat and leave me bleeding.

I feel --

I feel like an idiot.

We have to find her. We have that address -- the shopkeeper. Maybe she actually lives there? Maybe we can track her down.

I feel like an idiot and I hate feeling like a fucking idiot, I



We got that last night. Her not showing up? That's as good as a concession, isn't it. We got them really, really good.

What's next, Mydra? Give me orders. Give me something to do. People could have been hurt last night, and we're actually getting somewhere, here.

If really heavy, serious, important stuff is going on, is it -- is it okay to let yourself get distracted? Is it reasonable to just bury yourself in something copletely different, something that couldn't possibly be further from the problem, and just let yourself float away?

Paying attention -- you should be paying attention, you know you should be, but... maybe you're just making yourself mad. Maybe not paying attention is okay, sometimes. Maybe just --

Nadya! Cuold you read my fortune? Oh, right now. That would be so much fun.

[Filter: Norey Kids]

Can you believe Lord Silas is here? Blech! My father says that if there's one real snake on the Council, it's him. The worst of all Lord Reston's bunch by far -- sorry, Chris, but it's true!

And right off, he starts with 'I was nothing, once, and I fought my way to the top!' Blah blah blah, the Kanemorian Dream.

Makes me want to write everything in private, epsecially since --

W-well, since...

Nevermind.

Fayre -- do you have time to come help me with girls again today? I got a full roster.

Sometimes you have a week that's so awful, and you think, wow, this has been so awful that at least we can all be comforted in the knowledge that this can't possibly, possibly get more awful than it already is, and then -- you turn around, and while you were smugly saying that, somehow it got more awful??

My maid is pregnant. She's not married, it's a terrible scandal, blah blah, how silly, an unwed, pregnant young woman cannot serve the Lady Brittany, most eligible woman in the world, and do you have any idea what a headache my mother's voice can give?

I liked Lally. She knew how to deal with my hair. It's thick. Nobody ever knows how to fix it. And now I need to find a new maid because my mother swears she is going to faint in public and then die if I don't, and --

Does she have any idea how stupid she sounds? How -- none of that matters! Life is short and complicated and terrible and sometimes you just want Lally to do your hair!!