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Feb. 15th, 2014 12:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
steelvelvetI've avoided admitting it to anyone -- to myself for so long, I just --
I can't avoid it anymore. I can't ... and now it's real! I don't want it to be real. It was bad enough when it was just a stupid, flighty, girlish ghost in the back of my head.
... I want him.
I've always wanted him, I think.
Ugh.
No, I know. I've known all along, haven't I? I just haven't wanted to admit it because admitting it -- Dragons, Britt, good job! Good job. You fell for the only person -- possibly actually the only person! -- who is completely off limits. Not even that! Beyond off limits! Because even if I broke the rules of friendship and went for it, he's just locked in the cloud of her, like he's always been. Always ...
How long has this been going on right in my own head without me knowing?
-- don't ask stupid questions. Forever. That's how long. Since the moment I first saw him with his glasses all the way down his nose. I can't remember ever not having this feeling. And I can't remember a time when he wasn't looking after Fayre while she just -- danced outside of his reach.
I --
I can't believe I let myself do this.
Maybe if I'd just faced it, I could have killed it before it became -- this. Before I woke up and realized that I didn't have a stupid crush or a girlish longing. I'm in love with him!
... I'm in love with him.
That was really always what it was about with Vince, wasn't it? Put it all off on someone I knew I could never feel that strongly about, someone who was attractive and dangerous and sexy and who represented everything that the Brittany who wants a Prince could never have, that wild life, the adventure!
Not what I want from Julian. Not the stupid, little girl fantasy that's been playing in the back of my head forever.
-- I'm a better match than Fayre now. Fayre is nobody, really. Lady Lisa is barely anything, and Lord Daniel has been dead for over a decade and Fayre has no connections at court anymore. She left Norey to go be ... Fayre. I'm Lady Brittany of House Brittany! If he married me, he could forge a connection with the new House and I ... wouldn't even care if he wasn't King. I don't care one bit.
But Fayre wants to be Queen.
And how ... how am I supposed to -- Dragons, if I were a man, there wouldn't even be a choice! It's not that there's anything wrong with me! I'm hot and I know it. But Fayre is ... superhuman. Fayre is a goddess on Eire.
And Fayre is coming back to Norey.
Happy Rose Day, idiot.
[Filter: Christopher]
... hey, Chris! Um, are you and Jaina doing anything special today?
I can't avoid it anymore. I can't ... and now it's real! I don't want it to be real. It was bad enough when it was just a stupid, flighty, girlish ghost in the back of my head.
... I want him.
I've always wanted him, I think.
Ugh.
No, I know. I've known all along, haven't I? I just haven't wanted to admit it because admitting it -- Dragons, Britt, good job! Good job. You fell for the only person -- possibly actually the only person! -- who is completely off limits. Not even that! Beyond off limits! Because even if I broke the rules of friendship and went for it, he's just locked in the cloud of her, like he's always been. Always ...
How long has this been going on right in my own head without me knowing?
-- don't ask stupid questions. Forever. That's how long. Since the moment I first saw him with his glasses all the way down his nose. I can't remember ever not having this feeling. And I can't remember a time when he wasn't looking after Fayre while she just -- danced outside of his reach.
I --
I can't believe I let myself do this.
Maybe if I'd just faced it, I could have killed it before it became -- this. Before I woke up and realized that I didn't have a stupid crush or a girlish longing. I'm in love with him!
... I'm in love with him.
That was really always what it was about with Vince, wasn't it? Put it all off on someone I knew I could never feel that strongly about, someone who was attractive and dangerous and sexy and who represented everything that the Brittany who wants a Prince could never have, that wild life, the adventure!
Not what I want from Julian. Not the stupid, little girl fantasy that's been playing in the back of my head forever.
-- I'm a better match than Fayre now. Fayre is nobody, really. Lady Lisa is barely anything, and Lord Daniel has been dead for over a decade and Fayre has no connections at court anymore. She left Norey to go be ... Fayre. I'm Lady Brittany of House Brittany! If he married me, he could forge a connection with the new House and I ... wouldn't even care if he wasn't King. I don't care one bit.
But Fayre wants to be Queen.
And how ... how am I supposed to -- Dragons, if I were a man, there wouldn't even be a choice! It's not that there's anything wrong with me! I'm hot and I know it. But Fayre is ... superhuman. Fayre is a goddess on Eire.
And Fayre is coming back to Norey.
Happy Rose Day, idiot.
[Filter: Christopher]
... hey, Chris! Um, are you and Jaina doing anything special today?
